Separation and divorce make children frightened, confused, and insecure. It's not surprising; I feel that way, and the separation was my idea! Expect the unexpected, though. My 4 year-old cheered when we told her Dad was moving out. She probably recalled the awesome swimming pool at Dad's apartment when he briefly moved out before.
 |
| Fake Pro Tip: Swimming pools make divorce fun! |
There are many resources available to divorcing parents (I've found Kids Coping with Divorce by WebMD and Children and Divorce by The Mayo Clinic helpful). Here are some things things I've learned that help me be a better parent through my separation:
- Take care of yourself. Even if you want it, divorce is painful. Transition is scary. Sometimes familiar discomfort seems better than an uncertain future, even if that future possibly involves scantily-clad cabana boys bringing margaritas on command. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically.
- Don't rely on your kids for support. It's alright to let your kids see that you're human, but don't rely on them for emotional support. Turn to friends, family, and the aforementioned cabana boys if you need support, but never your children.
- Let your kids feel. Burying emotional owies in ice cream seems like an awesome idea, but it's (sadly) not. Tell your kids it's okay to be sad, angry, or scared, and remind them you and Dad love them. Make it abundantly clear there is nothing they did to cause this, or anything they could have done to prevent it.
Please share your thoughts, experiences or suggestions in the comments. The best wisdom is collective wisdom! Or, share pictures of cabana boys. It's therapeutic.
Holy Moses, are those MY cabana boys of whom you speak!?!?! Also, I've found (in single-parenting smaller children), it helps to keep the absent parent alive in their homes and hearts - my girls have pictures of their Dad in their rooms next to their beds that they sing to and talk to each night before bed, so that they know that even though Daddy isn't THERE, he still loves them, can't wait to be with them, and they can look at his face any time they want...
ReplyDeleteLisa: What a wonderful idea. It not only keeps the other parent visible for the kids at your place, but also reinforces the notion that you are solidified as parents, even if you aren't together. I bet that helps reduce the overall feeling of tension a lot!
DeleteThe best advice I can give is to keep an open dialogue with your children. Don't be afraid to ask them how they are feeling about life since mom and dad separated and never assume that they are taking it well simply because they do not say or ask anything.
ReplyDeleteIt's important that the children do not see this as shameful. Oftentimes parents have the best intentions by telling their children to not mention the divorce in church, school, etc. but I really believe that is counterproductive to the healing process.
As long as the children know that they still have both parents love and support and both parents can be civil when the children are near I believe that divorce can be less painful on everyone involved. Sadly most adults lack the basic communication skills that are necessary to keep it civil.
Thanks, Leticia. Great advice. It definitely can be difficult to stay composed and civil with your ex, especially in the early stages of separation when emotions run high. I actually plan on posting about emotional intelligence and maintaining composure when dealing with an ex at some point, so hopefully I can help educate the masses!
Deletehttp://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XuAoCohuZHw/Te_532oayBI/AAAAAAAADZw/4_BzriuCgsQ/s1600/Cabana+Boy.jpg
ReplyDeleteOh my, Heehee! That cabana boy is perhaps a little TOO scantily-clad! Warning to potential clickers: exposed cheeks, and not the face kind!
Delete