Singular Mother, Squared

Ten years, 6 months and 2 days ago, I became a mother. Four years, 10 months and 18 days ago, I became a mother, squared.  I say "squared" rather than "times two" because, in my experience, having two children is not twice as difficult, but rather exponentially more difficult than one.  I've tried to be an involved, attentive mother who puts great thought into doing and saying the correct things to give my children the best shot at only needing a few years of psychotherapy when they're adults.

Three weeks, 2 days and 11 hours ago, I became single.  I suppose I became single again, seeing as how I was presumably single before I was married (though it's hard for a mentally-elderly person like me to remember so long ago).  When you've been not single for 8 years, though, you can't just go back to where you were before.  You emerge from a marriage a wholly different person than the one who went in, so saying I am single again incorrectly implies a return to a state that no longer exists.  Perhaps I'm single, squared.

To the chagrin of my mother and many of my mommy friends, I have never felt defined by motherhood. It's something I do, and try to do well, but not something I am.  Single parenting, then, has been a unique challenge for me.  While I'm lucky to have an involved co-parent, and have a couple of kid-free nights a week, when the kids are with me, they're with only me.  I live three hundred miles from my nearest relative, so I'm it -- the end-all and be-all of my children's well-being for several nights every week.  I have found this overwhelming, frustrating, and terrifying, but at times oddly liberating.  I hope you will join me as I set out on the journey into the unfamiliar territory of complete self-reliance, and contribute your own fears, successes, failures, and oh-my-gosh-there-was-poop-everywhere stories.  I can't promise I won't laugh at you, but I can promise I'm completely willing to let you laugh right back at me.